Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
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I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”