Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
No Google it does not
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.