I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.