I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
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One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
screw you
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing