You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
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said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar