Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Room with a view.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.