For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Become ungovernable.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word