13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
You Might Also Like
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.