Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.