How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
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3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.