Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
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The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
do horses think humans are hats
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.