Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
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Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.