Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Spring of Deception
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife