*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
This is a true ally.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.