“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
You Might Also Like
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Modded the new Gran Turismo
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I think my mom just blocked me
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.