GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
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I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID