No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Never forget.