I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
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The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Put this video in the Louvre
blocked.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws