[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.