[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
sugar glider wrangler
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
huge if true: the moon
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?