LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
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INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I can’t stop watching this.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.