Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
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Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
HELP 😭
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”