favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Got him!