I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
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“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.