Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no