Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
this is the greatest thing ever
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
adding to the discourse
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?