My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat