I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!