a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
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teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I’m awake but I object,
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.