if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
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“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I am, perchance
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it