I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
You Might Also Like
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.