Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
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Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“You’d better run, egg!”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle