Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
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In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink