Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Monday
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise