Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money