My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
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I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.