Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.