If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
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The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I am crying
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them