Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
We avoided this particular disaster
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.