Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
You Might Also Like
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?