[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity