Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”