Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
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*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂