They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
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Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
You can’t rush stupid.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Only Americans understand
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…