Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
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Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
ATMs should have breathalyzers
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.