Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
This will never not be funny to me.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.