I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
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a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Free him
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Jurassic park gets weird