I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it