Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
This meal prepping shit is easy
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”