some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
The happy life.. 😊
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
This made me smile…
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??